it’s an epidemic and it’s lingering amongst girls between the ages of 13 and 30, praying on the weak and instilling a feverish ego within the chosen ones.

with advances in technology, friends everywhere are experiencing great loss. we’ve all seen it: the pal we once knew is gifted an iphone and two weeks later is ignoring our calls because she’s wrapped up in a bathroom mirror photo shoot.

junkies feed their habits with sneaky shots on the bus. fanatics disguise their obsession by “advertising” their new hats and sunglasses. the most severe addicts “cleverly” admit to their habit with photo captions like “lol, another selfie” or simply “#selfie”, as if owning up to it is adorable and witty.

so what is it about selfies that are unavoidable? because even if you’re someone who has never publicly posted one, and who makes snide remarks about people who do, you deffzz have a secret vault in your house where at least ONE seflie is hidden from the light of day.

i had always been a sometimes-secret selfie-taker. not like the girls who purposely dress nicely and do their makeup so that they can document their beauty, but if i happened to look good one day, i’d take a minute, look behind my shoulder to make sure no one was around, and with the adrenaline of someone who is committing a crime, take a pic. they would never be used for anything, such as a profile picture, but now that i have instagram, i’d be a filthy liar if i said that i don’t have one or two selfies on display.

before this post turned into a detective narrative (imagined with the voice of werner herzog), delving into the minds of selfie queens, it was meant for one purpose only: to celebrate my FAVOURITE kind of selfie and the only kind that doesn’t tell the world that you think you’re fly (cause the world already knows u fly, gurl):

THE SELFLESSLY SENT FRIENDSHIP SELFIE (S.S.F.S).

ahh yes, the selflessly sent friendship selfie. i am all too familiar with this one, as both a giver and a receiver. do you ever send your friends text messages with no words, but a hilariously unflattering photo of yourself? do you sometimes inbox your best friend a shot of you in some kind of incriminating situation that no one else will ever see? if you answered yes to either of these, then you know what’s up.

you see, a S.S.F.S is a gift; it is a confirmation of trust, because if you didn’t trust the receiver, you wouldn’t dare send tangible proof of what you look like before bed, with your retainer in and a shower cap on to protect your homemade-hair-remedy-clad head from the pillow.

my friends and i have a long history of vulgar photo exchanges and i pride myself on them. why?

1) they distinguish the level of intimacy in a friendship
2) they make your friend laugh, or cry…depending on the severity of the fugliness (i haven’t used that word in roughly seven years).
3) they keep you humble. “holy shit, man, how did you even MAKE that face?” – shocked receiver
4) they remind us of our friends awesomeness during times when they are perhaps being not so awesome.
5) they are like a flaming bag of shit when re-sent. getting a notification of a text message is the doorbell ringing. opening the message to find a picture of your five chins and crossed eyes is the shock of putting the poo-fire out.
6) they are like inside jokes. you and your friends feel sneaky and secret for having them, and that air of mischief is always fun.

there are four final reasons why the S.S.F.S’s survival is necessary for any close friendship:

1) when you and your friend have your inevitable falling out, you are left with a plethora of blackmail stored neatly for your disposal.

2) when you and your friend are secretly missing each other, but are both too stubborn to apologize, you can scroll through the collection and do the awkward laugh/cry while eating ice cream and listening to the spice girls.

3) when you have finally made amends (cause if this person is precious enough to send/receive a S.S.F.S, then they’re obviously a friendship lifer), you can remind them how good of a friend you are; you had all those photos and a mountain of rage, but you DIDN’T use them for a revenge scheme.

4) to make everyone feel inferior to you and your friend’s MAGICAL, UNATTAINABLE-BY-ANYONE-ELSE friendship (bridesmaids style) you gift all guests with your friends most classic S.S.F.S on her wedding day.

one short, very true story of the S.S.F.S: in grade 12, my friends and i had a surge in the amount of S.S.F.Ss we were taking. we constantly sent them to each other, or took them with each other, and for some reason they all ended up on one of our friend’s phones. we were sitting in the cafeteria one day and one of our guy friends got a hold of the sacred phone. the world has never seen more panic from five teenage girls. after a long chase, and probably multiple stress-related hernias, we got the phone back without our sick custom being revealed. moral is: keep dem S.S.F.Ss safe.

so there you have it. i say out with the beautified selfies (cause everyone already knows your beautiful), and in with the selflessly sent friendship selfies.

disclosure: this was a pretty lame S.S.F.S i sent to a friend whilst doing my laundry in the spooky basement on my apartment building. i’d have loved to share one of the more incriminating ones, but those are meant for a best friend’s eyes only.